


Big Girls Cry

by CatSamwise



Series: Song of the Universe [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Angst, Broken Heart, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 04:07:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6104419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatSamwise/pseuds/CatSamwise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akaavi Spar contemplates her life after she confronted Risha and her Captain.</p><p>Spoilers for Akaavi companion story-line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Big Girls Cry

**Author's Note:**

> The male smuggler is a jerk.
> 
> Beta'd by Uruni.
> 
> Disclaimer: The song _Big Girls Cry_ belongs to Sia, from the album “1000 Forms of Fear”.  
>  All SWTOR characters belong to BioWare.

_Tough girl_  
_In the fast lane_  
_No time for love_  
_No time for hate_

Akaavi was sitting in her usual place in the cargo hold. She was cleaning and oiling her armor, also usual. She was focused, determined, her eyes did not lift from what she was doing. All was completely normal.

The equipment she needed, her weapon, everything that was required to perform the task at hand was in easy reach, laid out carefully on the cloth before her.

Akaavi was always very practical.

_No drama_  
_No time for games_  
_Tough girl_  
_Whose soul aches_

A spot of liquid fell onto the armor plate Akaavi was vigorously brushing. It almost made her stop her motion.

Where had the liquid come from?

She lifted her head to look at the ceiling. There was nothing there, no leak, no moisture, nothing to indicate where the source of the strange liquid.

Akaavi returned to her task. She needed to focus. Armor needs to be clean. Her staff needs to be taken apart and oiled, and after that…

_I'm at home_  
_On my own_  
_Check my phone_  
_Nothing though_

Another spot of wetness fell on the durasteel plate, followed by one more. 

Akaavi rubbed furiously at her cheeks. Mandalorians did not cry. Mandalorians did not have their heart broken. Mandalorians are tough, they can survive anything and they fight and they win.

This weakness was intolerable. She was above such trivialities.

_Act busy_  
_Order in_  
_Pay TV_  
_It's agony_

Cleaning the armor was futile. The abhorrent liquid kept spilling from her eyes. She needed something else to focus on.

Akaavi put the armor to the side and put her weapon on the cloth in front of her. With deft and practiced fingers she took the techstaff apart. When all the pieces were laid out in front of her ready to be oiled she attempted to smile. But her face contorted into a grimace instead.

_I may cry, ruining my makeup_  
_Wash away all the things you've taken_  
_And I don't care if I don't look pretty_

She reached for the required oil substance, but her fingers could not grab hold of the container. Akaavi glanced at her hand and found the fingers shaking, unable to grasp anything.

In a fit of anger she managed to control her hand enough to grab the oil and hurl it across the cargo hold. The canister shattered, making a huge splatter on the wall.

_Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking_  
_Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking_

Akaavi had her face in her hands, taking large lungfuls of breath. 

She was not sobbing.

Mandalorians did not sob. Mandalorians found the source of their pain and eliminated it. 

_Big girls cry when their heart is breaking_

He had been… 

He had been persistent with her from the start. Akaavi had resisted him, naturally. She had seen men like him numerous times. They all had an inflated ego, a roving eye, nothing that could interest her, nothing that would make her a better Mandalorian.

 _Tough girl_  
_I'm in pain_  
It's lonely at the top

But this one, this outsider who knew nothing of Mandalorians and her code of life, a person who she teamed with in a moment of convenience, he had turned out to have secrets she could learn.

The way he fought was different to how she had always been taught. The way he talked, the way he walked, the way the world perceived him; it was all new. It was abstruse and she found herself fascinated with learning all she could.

_Blackouts and airplanes_  
_I still pour you a glass of champagne_  
_Tough girl_  
_Whose soul aches_

Perhaps that was her moment of weakness.

While she studied him, he had in turn studied her. 

Akaavi had become used to his company. She had become used to his antics and perhaps foolishly convinced herself that it was all a front, that he was somehow different with her.

 _I'm at home_  
On my own  
_Check my phone_  
_Nothing though_

Stupid.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

A small sigh escaped Akaavi’s lips. 

She had let him get close. He had been the only outsider to ever see her without her armor. The first man she had known for almost five years.

_Act busy_  
_Order in_  
_Pay TV_  
_It's agony_

That moment of weakness had been enough. He had gotten what he had wanted from her and the depth of his treacherous ways was uncovered almost instantly .

To think she had an enemy lurking on her own ship and she had missed them. She had underestimated the soft human female. She had misjudged _him_.

_I may cry, ruining my makeup_  
_Wash away all the things you've taken_  
_And I don't care if I don't look pretty_

When she confronted them both, he at least had the dignity to tell her the truth immediately. He chose the other instead of her.

The other had been vile and obnoxious. Like the spoilt little child Akaavi knew her to be.

If he preferred that sorry excuse of a female to _her_ then they should both rot with their softness and their ignominy.

_Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking_  
_Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking_

Her honor was intact, now that she was free of his nefarious influence. She had been true to the Manadalorian way. She could hold her head high and look any challenge that faced her head on.

She had behaved as was required of her.

_Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking_

Why was she feeling like this?

_I wake up, I wake up, I wake up_  
_I wake up, I wake up, I wake up_  
_I wake up, I wake up, I wake up_  
_I wake up, I wake up, I wake up,_  
_I wake up alone_

Akaavi rubbed the tips of her head horns to try and make herself calm down. She needed to focus.

She had a task to complete.

She tried to make a list in her mind. Oil the weapon; clean the armor; find the idiot droid to clean the wall; order more oil. All tasks she could perform to perfection. Simple, small tasks that required little thought.

_I may cry, ruining my makeup_  
_Wash away all the things you've taken_  
_And I don't care if I don't look pretty_

Perhaps that was the problem? Perhaps not thinking was what causing all of this nonsense. 

Akaavi stood from her work and went to the crate she used to store her research on the scum that had destroyed her people. 

She took a datapad and returned to her seat. She would search the holonet for any information she could gleam on Tayari Rook and she will _kill_ him for what he had done to her clan.

_Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking_  
_Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking_

There was much information to gather. She could use an additional pair of hands or another set of eyes.

She could… 

She could ask _him_ for his opinion on what she found…

He would offer her this small assistance at least. And it would show that she, Akaavi Spar, true Mandalorain, was above their petty conflict.

Why did she feel the need to prove anything to anyone?

_Big girls cry when their heart is breaking_

**Author's Note:**

> Am struggling with a bit of writer's block.... Dear Uruni suggested that perhaps a palate cleanser of a story could help, so here we are :)
> 
> Review & tell me what you think...


End file.
